Barney sings the truth

Today while I was making cookies for a playgroup, Annika and Dallin were watching Barney (I used to hate that show until I found out that toddlers love it, and by love it I mean I don't have to entertain them for at least 30 minutes, and by have to I mean am willing to give up the privilege of). Barney's sister (I think), Baby Bop was sad that her flower died and he broke into a sad song about letting go of things that we love. That got me thinking about my sister Sarah, and how she passed away, and how I wish we were closer. And it got me thinking about my 4 brothers in general, because I don't have as much contact with them as my sisters and specifically my brother Luke. I really miss him because he is living in Wisconsin now with my parents and it is really hard to get in touch with him. And I worry about him. Anyway, if this post gets any sadder, I am going to have to put it on my other blog. Then Barney started singing about how important it is to have friends around you who are always there for you and who can lift you up when you are sad. I then I started getting sad about living in PA and not making more meaningful friendships, which is hard for me to do no matter where I live. It is hard to find the kind of people you can just totally open up with like I feel pretty close to my walking buddy, but I can't talk politics with her. But I had a good time with the other moms from church at playgroup, and I am resolved to join the book club at the library, and I am going to start entertaining, never mind the cramped quarters and noisy kids and reluctant husband. Carpe Diem! Right?

On another note, do you think my daughter on the right looks like a girl version of my brother (when he was a lot younger) on the left. Genes, I'm telling you genes.


On another note, I am going to make an effort to explain things better in my blog posts, so for those of you who don't know who my sister Sarah is or how she died, I am going to get into some details. Sarah was adopted into our family when she was 2 along with her biological brothers Luke, and Peter, from South Korea. We grew up as a big sometimes happy blended family. There were 9 kids all together. I don't remember my parents ever addressing the race issue, aside from overhearing my mom fielding questions from grown-ups, and her response was always with a laugh and a smile that we don't see the difference in our family, and that she loves all of her kids the same. When I was in 5th grade and started having crushes on boys, they were always Asian. The first was adopted from Korea, the next was from Cambodia, and when I was 15 my first boyfriend and first kiss was from Vietnam, so I guess I was "colorblind." But, back to Sarah, I don't think being Korean and growing up in a white family was as easy for her. As a teenager she became very withdrawn and would say that she didn't think she was beautiful. It was hard to get her to go anywhere and she liked to spend a lot of time alone or with her cat or napping or taking baths. I'm not saying that being Korean in a white family and society was the only factor in her depression, but I believe that cultural identity and feeling accepted for who you are are major factors in forming your self image. And self image is huge when it comes to self esteem, and self esteem is huge for mental health. Sarah is 6 years younger than me so, when I left the house at age 18 she was 12, and I didn't keep in touch with her very well. It wasn't until I was married with a baby that I got to know her all over again. Nikolay and I were living in Provo, going to BYU, and Sarah came out for a visiting student summer program. It was great to reconnect with her and spend time together. I'll write more later.